Part I: An explanation

Welcome to Part I of my first two-part post. It is in two parts for a few reasons. Mostly, because it's long. (It deals with the female psyche and body image and I take my hat off to anyone who can wrap their head around that little gem in just one post.) There are also some complicating factors. For one thing, I wrote Part II more than a year ago. And, confusingly, Part II was actually published on Mamamia a few weeks ago.

I've been blogging for almost a year and this is the first time I have felt a little apprehensive about sharing something. Writing it was easy. Pressing publish feels less so because it deals with a fraught topic and is quite revealing. So before unveiling these particular inner demons I wanted to explain why I am. 

A few Mamamia readers were well and truly over the topic of post-baby bodies. They said talking about it just puts more pressure on women and that we'd all be better off if we just got over it. A few were grateful to have read someone else struggled with the adjustment too. Comments from both camps crystallised why I want to have this conversation.

In a nutshell my experience was this. My body grew, delivered and nourished the most delightful baby girl I am privileged to mother. Despite all the gratitude and love in the world for that life-affirming opportunity and baby girl, I didn't enjoy not recognising my body afterwards. To be honest I quite disliked it.

If you're tempted to read that as self-indulgent or self-absorbed, you're not alone. That was precisely why my experience maddened me. How could something as trivial as extra weight truly bother me? It didn't make me more or less kind; it didn't make me more or less interesting; it didn't make me a better or worse mother, wife, daughter or friend; really it didn't make me any different in any way that really mattered.

And yet, it did. Despite all of the rational reasoning in the world, my changed shape affected the way I felt about myself. It literally weighed heavily on my mind and was an adjustment I had to navigate.
I figure if I felt this way others must have too and others will in the future.

I'm not evangelical about much but one thing I do totter close to that crazily-committed line is honesty. It's not that I think we all need to sit on Dr Phil's couch and share every insecurity and doubt with the entire world. It's more that I think if we are going to sit on Dr Phil's couch, or open up to the people around us, or publish a blog, it's better to give a real, unedited version rather than an air-brushed veneer. I certainly don't begrudge anyone who is private or discrete (though I do find you beguiling and fascinating) but because I'm neither, I'm going to tell you the truth.

Even at the risk of seeming shallow and vain. Stay tuned for Part II.