A letter to David

Let's talk about breastfeeding. And David Koch. Because if there is a news story closer to my chest this week I'm yet to learn of it. If you haven't heard, or read, on the weekend Koch remarked that women should be discreet and a bit 'classy' when they are breastfeeding in public. Now because Miss L still feeds very frequently and because I like to venture beyond my front door, at the moment, I breastfeed in public rather a lot. So, as you might imagine, I have a few things I need to say. I figured it was best to just pop them in a letter to David. 

Dear David

My initial reaction to your televised, and subsequently controversial, comments was discomfort. Your sentiments irked me. For lots of reasons. Instead of ranting about it I would like to have a frank discussion about why I dislike your comments. I'm taking this approach because of a tweet from a male colleague whom I admire a lot. He asked, very sincerely, why it is not acceptable for males to have and express their own opinions about breastfeeding. I think it's very acceptable for men and women to have opinions on all subjects including breastfeeding. I'm quite generous like that. 

There are, however, certain subjects where direct experience bolsters the accuracy and utility of certain opinions. For example, I'm sure you would agree that any opinions I hold about piloting A380s are less nuanced and helpful than, say, those of an actual A380 pilot? And so it is with breastfeeding. I have absolutely no issue with you, or any other person, expressing their opinion about breastfeeding. Again I'm being very reasonable aren't I? But when someone's opinion clashes with mine, like yours did, in an area where I do hold some direct and relevant expertise, I simply ask them to consider my take. 

Are you expected to take it on board and revert to my way of thinking? Absolutely. No of course not but I will feel better for having tried to reach consensus. Because while it's not always absolutely necessary for all of us to agree, about everything, all the time, sometimes, there is greater utility in finding understanding. And so it is with breastfeeding.  

I don't believe you intended to be insensitive or inflammatory in suggesting women be discreet whilst nourishing their bambinos from le breast. But the thing is, because you haven't, to my knowledge, actually breastfed a baby, there are a few tips and tricks you won't have had cause to discover. And to someone who has had cause to discover those, your comments were a little insensitive. Or at least lacking in strong practical application. Given that you openly support breastfeeding - I understand your two daughters are in the midst of it right now? - I thought I'd fill the gap I see in your knowledge.

I have chosen to breastfeed both of my babies and, to date, it has been a successful exercise. I did not choose this option because I revel in the opportunity to reveal my flesh to members of the public. Truth be told the flesh-revealing aspect of the exercise is not something I relish. At all. I didn't birth my babies, lose my modesty and then jump for joy at the prospect of getting half naked in front of strangers, family members and friends. I find it a little awkward. 

Even after many months of doing so, first with my eldest and now with my younger daughter, I still squirm inside my head at every feed that is given outside my home. I persist because the milk is readily available, it's nutritious and, even with the embarrassment, it's a lovely thing to do. I sacrifice a smidgen of my own modesty but I'm ok with that because in the greater scheme of things, I think the benefits outweigh that minor drawback. I don't ask, or expect, to be lauded for that choice but I would like that choice to be respected. Not simply the choice to breastfeed per se but the fact that doing so sometimes entails a degree of discomfort on my part. 

At this point Kochie, you might might argue 'Well if you don't want to feel uncomfortable just be extra discreet and everyone will be happy'. This is precisely the point at which your comments sounded insensitive to someone who has breastfed in public. Because, not for lack of trying, it is not always possible to be discreet. Believe me this. Whenever I feed in public I try to be as discreet as possible, as much for my own comfort as anyone else's. But my babies, like many others, do not always oblige. Breastfeeding is not a mechanical process and getting a baby attached does take a little bit of effort. In my experience, that effort is multiplied exponentially when attempting to do so under the privacy of a wrap. I don't believe my babies are in the minority in that they invariably squirm and squawk until I remove the offending fabric. I have come to accept it's easier to quickly latch them without a cover and then proceed with the feed as modestly as possible. See even with the best intentions my pursuit of privacy often fails. 

And do you know who that makes uncomfortable? Me. And my guess is it makes me far more uncomfortable than even the most prudish person in my surrounds. Because unless that prudish person is also responsible for feeding a writhing, hungry and screaming baby at the exact same time as they're exposing their naked anatomy to anyone nearby, I struggle to see how their discomfort could be anything but minor in comparison.  

David there are two underlying assumptions in your comments that bother me. The first is that discretion is an openly available choice for all breastfeeding mothers; that any flash of naked flesh from a feeding mother represents her decision to flagrantly flaunt her body. I can only speak for myself but you know what? So, so, so far from true. Actually laughably implausible. I promise David, practically on behalf of all feeding-women-kind, even if you see a mother completely expose herself to feed an infant she is not hoping to attract another man or woman's attention. 

The second assumption I would like you to consider amending is that a feeding mother should prioritise the sensibilities of strangers in her presence above her baby's and her own. Really? Personally I would rather the onus sit with the surrounding members of the public to look away or accept that a mother feeding her baby has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the baby, than saddle the mum with another layer of responsibility. Because, trust me, she is already responsible for at least one living, breathing, and helpless baby and as far as responsibilities go it is pretty relentless. You know, 24/7 around the clock, kind of stuff. You've got kids, you know what it's like. Kochie her plate is kind of full so if you could find it within yourself to carry part of the load - simply by averting your eyes - that would be thoroughly appreciated. 

Truthfully David I cannot imagine there are very many mothers in this world who choose to breastfeed to make you, or anyone else, feel uncomfortable. The reality is there are lots, like me, who do it regardless of the fact it makes them uncomfortable and probably just as many who don't because they aren't comfortable in public. And, of all the different reasons to choose breastfeeding or not, discomfort about doing it in public seems an unhelpful one. But one that will multiply when comments from high profile individuals like yourself confirm the perception that members of the public aren't actually okay with breastfeeding. Because if you are okay with breastfeeding the reality is you may see some flesh. In that event, count yourself lucky that it's not you doing the flashing David. 

Kind regards 

Georgie