Haters gonna hate

Sometimes I worry about venting about my struggles in the parenting arena here. It doesn’t stop me from doing it but I do wonder whether occasionally it might make me seem like I’m a bit awful. I don’t have an editorial calendar and I don’t plan my posts too far in advance; it’s a bit more on the fly than that. I sit down and write whatever comes and more often than not the stuff that comes out is the tougher stuff. The bits I’ve been stewing over or trying to reconcile.  Sometimes this means there might be a few negative posts in a row and when that happens I always wonder whether I should bang up something quickly about the rosier side of raising terrorists.  I never do just for the sake of it but it’s something I think about.

A few weeks ago one of my favourite bloggers, Esther Walker, put into words something that made sense of it. She has recently had the horrific experience of being trolled; she received a string of venomous and vile emails from an anonymous hater. The person – gender unknown – made some heinous comments, the worst of which suggested she should kill her toddler if she hates her so much.

At this point many things are obvious; that heinous doesn’t begin to describe a person capable of sending such revolting things. That a person capable of sending such revolting things is in need of psychiatric intervention. That a person subjected to such revolting things would be rattled. That a person subjected to such revolting things about their innocent and beloved child would stop and question, really question, why on earth she sits down every week and gives her readers a glimpse into her life when that is what she gets in return. That it would be tempting to pull down every post she’s ever written and never pen another.

Fortunately for her, and all of her fans, Esther’s readers rallied upon reading of her hellish encounter. They commented in the hundreds and, by opening up about how Esther’s honest words so often rally them, I think, reassured her that despite the abhorrent sentiments of one anonymous hater, there is tremendous gratitude for what she does in her weekly missives. And, more than just gratitude, there is utility. Because it makes other people feel less alone, less in need of a straight jacket and less like they’re the only one who wants to yell “THIS IS TOO BLOODY HARD!!!,” when they’re trying to pin down a three year old to administer eye drops (FOUR TIMES A DAY FOR FIVE CONSECUTIVE DAYS!!!). 

I doubt any sane person could read one of Esther’s posts and not conclude that she absolutely adores her children. It is plain to see in her words. But, as she wrote, there is less value in writing simply about how much she loves her children. How vast and uncomplicated that love is and how delightful her gorgeous kids are. Because, as any parent can attest, that’s the easy part; the bit that happens without trying.

The bit that isn’t easy is coming to grips with the moments when you just want everyone to stop whinging. Or asking questions. Or barking orders. Or melting down. Or demanding more of you when, in fact, it feels like there is nothing left to give because it feels like you’ve been meeting demands for months on end. The bit that isn’t easy is coming to grips with the fact you can love a small child so hard but just as intently wish they were someone else’s responsibility part of the time. You know, like one weekend a month.

If you don’t have small children or have never been responsible for small children for a prolonged period of time, I think, there is a chance you might read that and think that anyone feeling those things is doing it especially tough. That any parent feeling or thinking those things is really struggling. Like ‘bring in people in white jackets’ kind of struggling. But, as far as I can tell, thinking and feeling those things is pretty routine in the lives of families with little people.

It’s the reason I, and no doubt all of her fans, rejoice in reading the words of a parent like Esther. A parent who is honest and generous and brave enough to tell me, in no uncertain terms, she feels those things. And I am grateful because apart from entertaining me with her funny and thoughtful posts and plying me with recipes that work, Esther’s blog makes my tougher moments in the parenting arena a tiny bit more bearable. It’s further proof that others mothers really are every mother’s biggest ally.

I’m glad she doesn’t sit down and write something rosy just for the sake of it and it’s the reason I won’t either. As the writers of The Wire so aptly put it ‘haters gonna hate’ so there’s no point pretending for them. And because you’re all too lovely to hate I know I can level with you.