Why I’m not saying sorry for the F-word

In recent weeks I have felt inspired. Genuine, physiological, goose-bump inducing, heart-lurching, mind-racing inspired. By three people.

First was Michelle Obama speaking to a group of 12-year old girls from a London school where the majority of pupils are anything but advantaged. Mrs Obama met the girls on her first State trip to the UK and on her recent visit brought 30 of them up to Oxford for the day. I watched on television as she mesmerised these young girls with her candour, sincerity, humour and vision.

Her message was simple. She believes that each one of them belongs at universities like Oxford. That working hard at school and getting into university is the single best thing they can do. That it will change their lives and that it's possible.

As I watched my heart swelled and my mind raced. Imagine the possibilities. Imagine those young girls carrying with them that message. From a woman married to the President of the United States – two people who - just like them - came from backgrounds where a path to power was far from divined – telling them that they can achieve success, that they deserve it, that it's possible. It's impossible to overstate the significance that experience will have on those young women.

It reminded me that education – alongside some encouragement - is the most empowering gift anyone can give. It also reminded me that having an education and encouragement is the ultimate privilege.

The second person who set my mind a flutter was Westpac chief executive Gail Kelly. I read an interview which gave me some insight to the mother, wife and woman behind the high-profile suited job. It made me like her and want to be like her. A lot.

Did you know that when her triplets (TRIPLETS) were almost one and she was returning from maternity leave, she was offered a pivotal promotion at the South African bank she worked in?

After deliberating with her husband she decided to go for the interview and she took her three babies along. Her point was to give her employers a very clear signal. She was not going to make any apologies for having her family. It was her and her family or nothing. They picked the former and look where it got her.

One fact, in particular, kept me awake. She was junior when she made that decision. I've written before about some differences between men and women and I do think making apologies seems intrinsically female. Particularly in the workforce. Which got me thinking.

Is it a co-incidence that Kelly – who made the bold decision at the very beginning of her career to make no apologies for having obligations outside of work - is virtually the only female in the world to occupy a chief executive position in banking, a notoriously male-dominated industry? Did that send a signal to her employers that she had a different level of confidence to her peers? Or is it simply that she is inherently talented and would have succeeded no matter what?

It's intrigued me for weeks. It's likely a combination but I'm reluctant to underestimate the power of her choice to dictate terms. She demonstrated to her employers that she was absolutely capable of doing a good job, not in spite of her family commitments, not because of her family commitments, just because she could. End of story.

A book extract from Caitlin Moran was my final inspiration. Her writing is funny, slightly crazy, intensely personal and astute. As I read her take on redefining feminism (which sounds horrible staid but is exceptionally compelling) I nodded my head, laughed, felt tears prickle in my eyes and felt the familiar rush of blood to my head.

In her view feminism has nothing to do with demonising men and everything to do with ditching the insecurities women adopt almost instinctively – "reflexively flagging our shortcomings", feeling we're "failing if we're not neurotic", viewing ourselves as "an endless list of problems: being fat, hairy, unfashionable, spotty, tired".

She made me really think about feminism, the F-word I very rarely use. Which is possibly because I haven't found a definition that really resonates. But after nodding along to Caitlin's words it dawned on me that feminism is basically everything I think and talk about. Sort of.

Every week I have at least one conversation with someone about careers, families and motherhood. Mostly with women and I notice the word 'but' comes up a lot. "I would like to be a barrister BUT I also want a family", "I want to have kids BUT I want to establish my career first", "I want to run an investment bank BUT I also want a family", "I want three kids BUT I want to work and I'm not sure how that could work".

After some mulling, I've decided my take on the F-word is as simple as swapping 'but' with 'and'. "I would like to run an investment bank AND have a family (and I'm good enough to make it work)". "I want three kids and a career AND that will work (because I'm good enough to make it work)." That last bit is the key. Even if we don't believe it, I think we have to pretend we do and hopefully eventually, we might. My theory is this: if we, as individuals, don't substitute 'but' for 'and', no one else will.

After being inspired by three clever, engaged women I admire I've concluded we should all use the F-word more and apologise less. On the brink of my return to work – professionally, exactly as I was when I left but, personally, fundamentally different - this is overwhelmingly apt for me. Instead of thinking – let alone saying or acting – that I somehow need to make up for the fact that I'm a mother in the workplace, I'm going to try not to.

At the risk of sounding completely over the top and giving the impression that I mistakenly believe I'm one of Obama's speechwriters, I ask you to consider doing the same. Instead of thinking 'but', start thinking 'and' because if each of us do that change will come. Yes it will.

At least it might and it's worth a shot. Particularly if you, like me, have enjoyed the privilege of education and encouragement. Because, if equipped like that, we can't remove the 'but's from our paths, what hope do those little London girls have? And Michelle promised them if they hope, and work hard, their lives will change.