Judging forms

Have you ever felt judged by a form? Had your buttons pressed by an A4 page? I hadn't until this week. I didn't realise it was even possible for something inanimate to do that but as I filled out a ghastly rental application I immediately felt inadequate. And judged. And cross.

I concede I was being more precious sensitive than usual but seriously the questions were so probing. And inflammatory*. My answers were woeful. In black and white it made my life seem lacking. I know it sounds a tad dramatic. But sometimes that's how I am. There wasn't enough room on the form for my shouty answers so I've replicated them below.

Current Address
Please provide at least three documents with proof of your address.
Well, if I had a current address, do you think I'd be writing this application? That I'd willingly share with you all of my personal data, happily hand over obscene amounts of money to rent a small and cosy shoebox, go up against every other displaced resident in Sydney to fight for the privilege of renting some unbelievably priced spare space? REALLY???

If I had a current address, that would mean I'd have somewhere to live. That would mean I would not be filling in this form. It would mean I would be happily snuggled up on my couch in my living room, or cooking in my kitchen, or cutting my nails in my bathroom. Basically I would be doing ANYTHING except sitting here filling you in. I would NOT be madly trying to woo you. But thanks for checking.

Current Employer
Please provide your last 6 payslips verifying your salary

This is tricky. I am due to start work in two weeks but amazingly the payslips haven't yet arrived. Perhaps they'll only start paying me when I start turning up? Ideally though, before I start turning up, I need somewhere to live. Oh that's right, that's why I'm here answering you. BECAUSE I NEED SOMEWHERE TO LIVE.

Former Employer
Please include contact details for previous supervisor(s)

Ooh a soft spot. A reminder of my glorious career as a temporary receptionist in the UK. Good times. Go ahead. Call the names below.

Just a heads up that when you temp in jobs for a few days at a time, your supervisor is unlikely to remember your name even when you're sitting right in front of them. Let alone when a real estate agent calls a year after the fact. But good luck with that. Tell them I said hi and that I have fully mastered the art of making tea.

Net worth salary per week

Here you have it. My worth (at least what it will be in two weeks' time) reduced to dollars and cents. So, yes, you're right. On paper, I'm not worth a great deal. That's because I don't manage a hedge fund**.

On balance I don't necessarily think the figure reflects my entire worth in the broader sense of humanity but I'm guessing you're not interested in that? Thanks for the opportunity to consider my fiscal value though. Cheers.

Home phone

Seriously? If I had one of these I wouldn't be here now.

Work phone

Haven't we been through this? Are you not listening???

Please attach copies of the following documents to your application: license, passport, marriage certificate, medicare card, employment contracts, bank statements, share portfolios, a list of all relatives, ex-boyfriends, Facebook friends and every and any other piece of paper in your possession detailing your personal information.

Now it's not the documents I object to (much). It's the assumption that I have a computer, photocopier, printer, scanner and fax machine, on hand, at the ready. Don't they know that only people with homes have working study's equipped to print, scan and fax bundles of pages at a moment's notice?

As I mentioned earlier, people with homes do NOT sit around filling in rental applications. They sit around enjoying the fact they have a home. At least they should. That's what I'm going to do next week.

*A more stable and centered person might well conclude the questions were both reasonable and necessary. I am not one of them.

**Incidentally if I did manage a hedge fund I'd probably be renting you and all your friends amazing houses for very reasonable prices. Plus on the forms I'd only ask sensible questions like 'When would you like me to install free broadband, foxtel and a delivery of dry goods to stock the pantry?'