Arm swinging days

Yesterday I met a friend for coffee who is truly and madly in the midst of something quite special. The last time we caught up was a few weeks ago and although she didn't want to jinx anything by saying too much, she mentioned that she'd met someone that week at a dinner party. Actually she'd probably met several people that week in the course of her daily life but there was only one someone. Fast forward several weeks, it's really shaping up as something.

This makes me tremendously happy. There are many reasons why, and, I'm hopeful that being mentally unstable and investing too much into someone else's life, isn't among them. Partly it's because - as I've mentioned before - I'm partial to a romantic story. Partly, it's because at this moment living vicariously through someone else's visible joy – even just for a coffee – is welcome. Partly it's because it's been a while since I've seen a close friend fall head over heels and I'd forgotten just how lovely that shade of happiness looks on anyone.

Mostly, though, it's because the person involved is hands-down, no-questions-asked, the most deserving person of this sequence of events. I wish it were remotely appropriate for me to tell you all of the reasons why. But, it's just not. You'll have to trust me because I promise you'd agree*. What I will say, however, is that it segues nicely into a topic that this very same girl once suggested I blog on.

The business of romantic advice. While we were living in Oxford a few of my good friends (said happy friend included) experienced a range of relationship fluctuations and obstacles. Many coffees and glasses of wine were downed as we collectively set about dissecting and analysing the how's, the why's, the motives, the best resolutions, the way forward. You know? Just an average catch up.

One question which arose time and time again, was the old how do you know dilemma. How do you know if you're being too picky? Or are you selling yourself short? Are you settling for second best or do you want too much? What differences can be overcome and which can't? Ultimately, how do you know when you're faced with the someone to end all others? I'm reluctant to suggest that in all instances it's as simple as 'you just know'. I certainly agree that can and does happen. But I also think, mostly because I've had so many conversations to this end, that it's not always bleedingly obvious.

Relationships aren't static. They're works-in-progress that chop and change constantly. There are rarely two days that are precisely the same. When you add in international distance, careers, age, families, aspirations and religion it can get really cloudy. I think that's why, despite whatever the movies or hallmark cards might try to persuade us, the big question is not always crystal clear. Hence, why we needed mountains of coffee, wine and time, to mull them.

There are two pieces of advice in answering the big question, that I heard somewhere along the line that I would inevitably parade out. Both the happy friend in question, and another who I am missing a lot, liked these titbits and separately suggested I blog them at some point. The first is if you're asking yourself too many questions about what you want, you probably already know the answer. The second is slightly more practical. Any relationship is essentially a series of interactions. It's unrealistic to assume they will all be wonderful but equally you want more to be easy than hard. So when you think over the course of a week, or even a year, ideally you want the balance of your interactions in favour of the good.

Who knows if they're right, but we spent a lot of time pondering. To now see one of these friends, enjoying what she describes as the arm-swinging time, light-years away from any tough questions, is unbelievably satisfying. It's certainly early days but I have a sneaking suspicion that this might just be one of those rare times, when they really do just know. As I said I am partial to a little romance.

*Unless you're a bitter sadist, in which case please don't read my blog.