Not so zen after all

You know how last week I was being all philosophical and zen about embracing what life throws at you? Well that was then. Now I want to curl up in the foetal position and cry. A lot. I am a reasonably anxious person. Not as anxious as I used to be but still a lot more worrier than warrior. Especially, it seems, in the face of change.

Big change is on my immediate horizon and it's frightening me. The mature and productive approach I'm taking to tackle these qualms – as well as the tasks at their root - is to ignore them. There are big and small things which genuinely require my attention at the moment. Legitimate and illegitimate concerns about relocating home. Packing, shipping, booking flights, health insurance, hospital notes, cars, getting settled. The list goes on. But at this point I'm not deciphering between non-essential and essential. I'm just not thinking about it. At all. I'm perfectly happy rocking back and forth in my foetal position – figuratively mostly - desperately hoping that if I do nothing, this will all go away.

At least that's what I was doing until my mum commented earlier today that this time next month (give or take a week) we'll be back home. Cue major panic and a small onslaught of tears. This is real and it's happening. That timeframe is making my current ignore ignore ignore approach less and less tenable.

You see, I just need a bit more time. To process, to confront, to dread, to avoid. To stay settled in this little nook of the world for a little bit longer. It's not that I don't want to come home. I do. I really do. But I really, really dislike moving across the world. Especially the beginning bit. What was that rubbish I said last week – that change always works out? Clearly I forgot to mention that it always works out AFTER a painful few months of feeling off kilter, questioning your choices, re-establishing a semblance of normalcy and cursing whatever got you there in the first place.

Frankly it's enough to make me revert to type. Anxious, worrier type, that is. I've enjoyed a rather long break from that particular part of myself but sadly we keep bumping into one another.

For me, anxiety manifests itself in fear that ranges from irritating to quite paralysing. I also find it's contagious. If I'm feeling genuinely worried about one thing – say booking our shipping home without it costing the price of a ship – then, slowly, without my realising it, that concern starts casting its shadow over everything.

Suddenly worry permeates my day – Will I get a parking ticket? Will my alarm go off? Will I remember to pick up the milk? Have I eaten enough vegetables? Do I feed my daughter enough vegetables/protein/red meat? Will I get everything done in time? Do I even know what I need to do? Have I registered to vote? Will we find a house? Will I fall asleep tonight? Have I forgotten someone's birthday? Have I failed to reply to an email? Am I bad friend/wife/mother/daughter? All of the above? Is the world going to end???? Will that be all my fault????

I have been far enough down the angst road to know at that point – if not sooner - it's time to hold up. Get a little perspective. Pinpoint the genuine fear, deal with it, and dispense with its unnecessary ripple effect. Unshackle the burden. So that's where I am now. Time to book flights, confirm shipping, find employment and get a grip.

Also if anyone happens to knows where Steve Jobs might be placing my next dot, I'd love to know about it.